vendredi 30 août 2019

When Your Parents Divorce and It's Time for Dad to Leave Home

When Your Parents Divorce and It's Time for Dad to Leave Home
Expert Author Susan Leigh
These days many children are raised in nuclear families, where their father lives away from the family home and there are perhaps several significant male role models. A step father, grandfather, school teacher, neighbour, family friend may all feature in a variety of important ways in a child's life. However, adjusting to the new domestic setup can be a worrying time for a young person, as they may also have concerns as to why their father is no longer living at home; were they in some way responsible, were they the final straw behind his decision to eventually go?
Let's look at some of the concerns you may experience when your parents divorce and it's time for Dad to leave home:
- He's decided to focus on his own life and wants to forget about us. You may feel hurt and angry, wonder if you'd become too much of a burden and an inconvenience for him. Understand that you were not responsible for his decision to leave, that leaving you was the toughest part of any decisions that he took, that he probably felt it was best option for you and your family as a whole. Your parents' relationship failed and it was that the prompted their decision to end an unhappy relationship. But many young people wonder about their father's loyalty and feel that he's being selfish in leaving home.
- It's important that you don't take the breakdown of your parent's relationship personally and feel rejected or unlovable because of it. You may find yourself wondering if it was something to do with you, your behaviour, an unacceptable aspect of your character that prompted your father to decide it's time for him to leave home. Surely if he really loved you he would have had to stay, wouldn't have been able to bring himself to go. You may even speculate that the decision caused him to feel relief, at long last he was free to do what he wanted, free from the responsibility of having to consider you.
- You may find it frustrating if you're not included in discussions about your future living arrangements, if you're not asked where or with whom you'd like to live. It's often assumed that children will live with their mother as it's frequently the more practical option, but you may have a better relationship with your father and would prefer to live with him if you had a choice. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, at least at the outset, and accept that your parents are also trying hard to make sense of their situation. Some of their decisions may be revised over time.
- You may feel that you've been relegated to his past, are now considered to be a part of the life that he's walked away from. If you discover that there is someone new in his life, possibly someone with children of her own who live with her/them that can be especially hard to come to terms with. Ask for time and sensitivity as you get used to the new situation.
It's understandable to feel hurt, jealous, rejected if you imagine him spending time, being attentive and loving to his new family. Share how you're feeling, maybe find a grandparent, family friend, teacher who you can talk things through with and who will be supportive of you. Try to establish a routine with your father so that you know when you're going to see him, that you can get in touch by phone or email, spend time alone with him and/or with your siblings.
- Refuse to be drawn into discussions about either parent's faults, failures or shortcomings. If you feel yourself getting sucked into these types of conversations try to be firm and explain that it's upsetting you. If that's not possible try to talk about your situation with a sensitive adult like a grandparent or family friend.
Divorce causes huge disruption in everyone's lives and your parents lives are no exception. Emotions run high and you may feel confused, not sure how you're feeling or may not wish to reveal the extent of your upset for fear of causing further distress or anguish to your parents. And it may have been that the tension between your parents had gradually, over time become accepted as an unpleasant but normal part of everyday life.
When parents decide to divorce it's important for them to be sensitive to their children's needs and provide as much stability and reassurance as possible. Appreciate that they're trying to do their best for you even though they may be struggling with their own abilities to cope, adapt and recover from the turmoil. Be patient, find yourself an ally and take care to look after yourself, knowing that things will gradually settle down for you all.

Tips for When Parents Divorce

Tips for When Parents Divorce
Expert Author Susan Leigh
Parents splitting up can be a time of mixed emotion for young people. Prior to this happening it's not uncommon for there to have been long periods of bickering and upset or equally uncomfortable times of silence and tension at home. That situation can gradually become accepted as a normal part of everyday life. Even though it's unpleasant and perhaps even distressing it can become all too familiar and routine. When news of an impending divorce is announced it can cause conflicting emotions to surface; relief, sadness, fear at what is to come, the impact it's going to have on everyone's lives.
When parents divorce it may result in their children feeling obligated to take sides, to decide who is the good or bad parent. They may feel that they can only be loyal to one parent, which effectively may mean rejecting or appearing to openly disapprove of the other. When this situation is close to home you can feel in need of a few helpful suggestions.
Let's look at some tips to help you cope when parents divorce.
- An ally is important. Someone to talk to, whether it be a grandparent, schoolteacher, family friend; someone who is sympathetic and is ready to listen and support you in coming to terms with your new situation. It's not unusual to at first feel embarrassed or ashamed about the change in circumstances, especially if it means moving home, changing school, having to explain why one parent is absent or why your financial freedom has become curtailed. Find someone who you feel is trustworthy, honest, impartial and who will not betray your secrets unless they become concerned as to your safety and wellbeing.
- You may feel that you're being disloyal to one parent if you're nice to the other, but this is their divorce, not yours. Your parents may have changed in the way they feel about each other but that should not impact on your relationship with them. Yes, a period of readjustment is often needed but many parents want their children to maintain a positive relationship with both parents afterwards. Try to be supportive to both during this difficult time and be open about your feelings too. Refuse to be drawn into their dramas and say if you feel that you're being told too much or are finding it all too difficult. Then you can be there for each other in a positive, appropriate way, as you learn to move forward together.
- Familiarity and routine is important at this time. Knowing where you will live, the arrangements for school, times you'll see your absent parent, whether you're allowed to call them and when are all important facts that it's good for you to know as soon as possible. Being aware of how the change will impact on your daily life is important.
- Refuse to be drawn into arguments or answer lots of questions. If that happens you may find that you feel under pressure to take sides and express negative opinions. Try to explain that you don't know or want to answer these questions. It may help if you talk to a family friend or relative and explain that you're being placed in an unfair or difficult situation which you're struggling to manage comfortably. They may deal with that on your behalf.
- Avoid the temptation to make the absent parent, often the father, feel guilty or have to suffer because he left. It can be tempting to say 'Mum lets me do this' or 'Dad always does that', but remember that your parents are new to this situation too and are trying to put the new arrangements together as quickly as possible. Avoid playing one parent against the other.
Dad may have more money but is often the one who is now living away from home, having to start again in an unfamiliar home. Mum is often the one who is there for you every day, trying her best to manage on her own, frequently with less money and support. Often, though not always, both parents have made the decision to divorce, but it's still tough until things settle down.
- Accept that parents often feel guilty about their divorce. They may feel to blame because of something they did, how they behaved, the fact that their marriage failed, and may need time to recover from the breakup of the home, the disruption to all your lives. Appreciate that your parents may at times be upset, feel bad, upset, even unwell, but equally allow yourself time to grieve as well.
Being able to discuss this new, unfamiliar situation is important. It helps to talk about your feelings, come to terms with them and learn that you do not have to be strong and hide your hurt and distress. Learn to be gentle with each other, mutually supportive through this period of change and transition.

mercredi 28 août 2019

I Am Healthy - Why Can I Not Get Pregnant?

I Am Healthy - Why Can I Not Get Pregnant?
Expert Author Susan Leigh
How often have we heard of a situation where a woman has being trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for years, adopts a child and then, surprise, surprise gets pregnant ? This is such a familiar story and one that is interesting to look at and get some insight into. It is as if the body suddenly realises that it is okay to relax and become pregnant now that there is a new baby on the scene.
Women often spend their early sexual years hoping desperately not to get pregnant. Their bodys' become used to that message, as it may well have been repeated over and over again. By the time they feel ready to start a family years may have elapsed as frequently, modern women are waiting until later in life to start families. Other factors, too, may also need to be considered.
I have worked therapeutically with many women who have been checked by their doctors and told that there are no physical reasons as to why they are not becoming pregnant. They come to see me to address any underlying emotional and/or psychological reasons that may well be behind this problem .
Some of the reasons that have been discovered in our work together are:
- what about my career ? Being afraid at losing seniority, status or competency in the workplace, because of maternity leave and child care issues.
- consequently, concerns at being seen in a different light by colleagues and also finding it daunting to face the fact that ones own priorities will no doubt change completely over night.
- finances. No matter how close to their partner, many women value their financial freedom and earning their own money. It is not unreasonable to have concerns at how their situation will be affected if a child is born. This is an area that needs to be addressed early on, to both partners satisfaction.
- independence. What happens if the relationship fails. This links in with career and finances.
- not wanting to share their partner. Some women really treasure the close bond that they have with their partner and feel a little jealous or apprehensive about the impact of a child.
- concerns about their body. Many women have worked hard to be smart, slim and attractive and are concerned that their body will change after a baby is born and their confidence will suffer as a result.
- will my partner still find me attractive ? Again, concerns about becoming a mother and carer for a child and the impact that will have on the dynamics of the relationship.
Many women are able to rationalise these fears and concerns in their heads. They have often discussed all of these matters with their partners and are in loving and stable relationships. However their unconscious minds are determined to protect them from being out of control of their situation. This is often a large part of the problem.
By using a combination of counselling and hypnotherapy many good results have been achieved in this field. This way of working allows the mind and body to find a positive solution and so, rationalise concerns to enable the desired outcome to be achieved. Sometimes couples counselling is a useful option, too, as it allows for open and frank discussion of fears and issues to be done in a supportive, neutral environment. This way both parties feel supported and understood, with any underlying concerns addressed and dealt with.

Effective Techniques For Childbirth

Effective Techniques For Childbirth
Expert Author Susan Leigh
When celebrities are asked about the best day of their life, many say that the birth of their children ranks way up the list, higher than any other accolades or awards that they may have earned. And yet the actual anticipation of the experience of giving birth, the thought of labour and childbirth is often filled with tension and anxiety. Even people who have had a relatively straightforward birth experience are still apprehensive about the prospect of giving birth again. Some people opt for an elective caesarian, others prefer to do it the natural way.
There are many techniques available to help with the process of giving birth, that de-stress the mind and allow the body to do what is a perfectly natural function and one that it has been preparing for during the previous nine months.
- Hypnotherapy can help to manage stress and learn to breathe comfortably whilst relaxing the body. It is a powerful way to manage anxiety and tension concerning giving birth. Learning to manage anxiety allows the body to do what comes naturally. Fear and panic cause the body to tense and become stressed.
- There are self hypnosis techniques that can be learned to manage the giving birth process. These enable the birth mother to go into a comfortable and relaxed trance when contractions first start. She can hear everything that is being said, done and asked of her, but is able to stay completely relaxed at the same time. Pain usually occurs when the body tenses in anticipation. Being relaxed helps to manage stress and be able to be more positive about the whole experience of giving birth.
- Self hypnosis techniques: imagine a relaxing place, a beautiful beach, a garden. It may be a familiar place or one that has a special relevance, like the honeymoon beach. Utilise the senses, smells and perfumes of blossom, sensations like warmth on the skin or a cool breeze, the lapping of water around the feet. But, at the same time any instructions from the hospital staff can be heard and responded to.
- Pain scaling. Ask any person in pain to increase the level and turn the dial up and they can usually manage to do that quite readily. By establishing a pain dial it is possible to practise turning the dial down a little too. As the birth mother practises this and realises that she can exercise some control over her pain levels this knowledge helps her to manage anxiety and become more confident about the whole experience of giving birth.
- Practical things can be planned in advance. Many people have a case packed and ready to go weeks in advance. Usually the freezer is stocked with meals. It is helpful to have had a discussion with the husband or partner. They usually want to be included in the birth, but it is helpful to agree in advance that if things change and they need a break from proceedings then it is okay to do so. If the birth mother finds that she does not like something that was agreed in advance, like her back being rubbed, or her head being stroked, then maybe a pre-agreed word or phrase can be used to signal that discomfort, without the birth partner becoming offended or upset.
A little forward planning and discussion can result in being confident and able to manage anxiety and apprehension about the whole experience of giving birth. This can result in it being a fulfilling and joyous occasion, and for many people, the best day of their lives.

Some Helpful Advice on Coping With IVF

Some Helpful Advice on Coping With IVF
Expert Author Susan Leigh
Many young people automatically assume that their lives will go to plan and follow the direction that they have set out for themselves. They feel confident that will find that special someone, maybe marry, build a home and have the children that they have already mentally named.
Unfortunately children don't come to order and an increasing number of couples are turning to IVF in a bid to help them realise their dream of children and a happy family. Many of those people are desperate and having some helpful advice on coping with IVF would support them through the process.
Let's look at some helpful advice on coping with IVF:
- Guilt is often an important part of the initial discovery process. When a couple first try to get pregnant they may anticipate taking a month or two for it to happen. But it can take time for their bodies to readjust from having spent most of their sex lives trying not to get pregnant.
When it becomes apparent that pregnancy is not happening automatically each person tends to speculate about whether or not they are to blame. Trawling through their past, wondering about the implications of their childhood mumps, an abortion, a misspent youth drinking to excess or taking drugs can all add to the stress and make the situation more heartrending.
Hypnotherapy can help put the stress and guilt of past situations into context. The past is finished with. It forms a part of who you are today and that is the person your partner fell in love with. You can't change the past but you need to reconcile it, perhaps with hypnotherapy, and then move on.
- Pain can be a significant part of the process. Tests, injections, medication, examinations and procedures often involve discomfort and sometimes pain. Feeling unwell, having erratic mood swings, being strict about timed treatments can be wearing mentally, emotionally and physically. Some helpful advice on coping with IVF can include pain management techniques.
Self hypnosis is one such technique. It allows a day dreamy state to be entered into, perhaps where you relax and visit a comfortable place in nature, free from stress or tension. This place allows any cares to drift away, still being aware and able to hear instructions, but, for the rest of the time, enjoying being a little detached from it all.
Another pain management technique is to first practice turning the pain up a little, make it worse and discover that you have control. You realise that if you can turn it up you can also turn it down to manage pain. A third technique is to spread the pain through your body. A strong pain in your hand or leg can be significantly lessened by imagining it spreading through a larger area, like your whole body.
- Patience and remaining optimistic is an important part of the IVF process. Once the eggs are implanted waiting to hear the outcome can seem like a lifetime. Each part of the IVF cycle has its own timetable; being patient and keeping a positive mindset can be especially wearing. Try to recall those other experiences of going through a process and having to wait, hoping for a good result. Many people marry, are nervous when they awaken on their wedding day, hope that the day will go well, are optimistic that they have made the right longterm decision. Many of us take long courses, study for exams, prepare for interviews and hold our breath, trusting that we will get a positive result after all our efforts. Remembering that we did our best, that we had a go can provide some comfort.
- Responsibility is another important area. After the tests and treatments one person may be deemed responsible if the IVF cycle doesn't work. How will each person cope with the knowledge that one of them is to 'blame' for their childless state. Again hypnotherapy and relationship counselling can play an important part in supporting a couple through this difficult time of acceptance and readjustment, support them through communicating and coming to terms with their situation.
One person may feel resentful or desperate at not being able to have children, the other may feel responsible and frustrated, unable to do anything about it. At some point it becomes opportune to discuss other options that may be available. Are there other acceptable ways to bring a child into your lives, how does the relationship move forward from this, would you rather be with your partner and childless or is having your own child too strong a desire? And remember, if you decide to end the relationship there is no guarantee that a child would automatically be conceived in the future.

mardi 13 août 2019

Realizing Your Dreams With The Power of Intention

Realizing Your Dreams With The Power of Intention
Expert Author N. Ann Hall
It's time to change the way we think and speak about our dreams. Transforming a conversation, just like manifesting a dream, begins by setting an intention. Your intentions will assist you in taking greater control of your life.
A working definition for intention is: "to have in mind a purpose or plan, to direct the mind, to aim". Lacking intention, we sometimes stray without meaning or direction. But with it, all the forces of the universe can align to make even the most impossible, possible. My intention is to transform the conversation around dreams from fear and doubt, to hope and possibility, followed by action and results.
Some might say this is not the right time to dream. But it's always a good time to dream and believe and want better for your life. Without our dreams, all we have is our present reality. While our present reality is what's in front of us, the greater challenge is our attitude around "reality" and being "realistic" and what being realistic has cost us. Often that's our passion and joy, our hopes and dreams.
Setting intention allows us to be in the moment of reality by making a conscious choice to shift thinking to what we want. Given the unknowns and sometimes craziness of life, there's never been a more important time to dream and setting your intention is the first step. When should you set an intention? You could set an intention every day. Your intention could be to work less and make more, or to find a new career that you are passionate about. It could be to get healthy and physically fit, or to spend more quality time with loved ones or alone.
How to set your intentions? It does not have to be hard. At, individuals set their intentions by focusing on a single word. Others use journals to capture ideas and write action plans for their goals. My son purchases a desk calendar each year to add his weekly goals for propelling his comedic acting career. Many of my friends use walking apps or their watch to reach daily fitness goals. Others partner with people, like friends or coaches, to encourage and hold themselves accountable for their goals. There is no one way to set and manage your intentions. The best advice I can offer - besides setting your intention - is to do what works best for your lifestyle and personality, and then ACT!

To My Way Of Thinking, We Have To Make It Worth It

To My Way Of Thinking, We Have To Make It Worth It
Expert Author Joshua Clayton
In the book by George I. Gurdjieff that goes by the title, "Life Is Real, Only Then, When 'I Am'", he ends it on a tangent when he writes about the opposing forces to an honest frame of mind or genuinely realistic viewpoint about life, and I do see why. To my way of thinking, we have to make our lives worth it ourselves, and nobody else outside of ourselves can do it for us. So, in reality, we must be present to ourselves at our deepest and shallowest levels, that is at the very least what the ending of that book tells me. At the very most, I realize that if I am going to do anything right really, I must do it the way I genuinely need and want it done, starting within myself.
Thought is a force within us, sure. We must use it to do anything worthwhile, sure. But, how many of us react or judge out of habit without too much consciousness? Sometimes too many of us. The most valuable thing in existence is conscious thought that actively works, then, otherwise we may as well be like the automatically and instinctively reacting animals in the field ruled by nature without the benefit of consciousness. I know, that seems a little extreme, but, if we want to call ourselves conscious souls, we must act like conscious souls, then be conscious souls, in that order. This is what a genuinely functional reality comes down to. Without that, we are not much, are we?
So, when I think of my reality, I do not think of the best or the worst for the most part, I just think of what is and work with it to make it the best without reactive judgement. Sure, I still have my little quirks, imperfections and flaws, but for the most part, I look at things this way for I genuinely have in my mind, my thought and my reality what it means that "only God can judge others genuinely". Sure, I think profusely, act objectively and get results honestly to the best of my ability, but I do not judge. Sure, I will have opinions and understandings, but not any judgements. Call it detachment, call it aloofness, call it what you want, but in my reality and to my understanding, only objective and honest realistic God can judge, everything else is an opinion. We must take realistic action based on facts anyway. So, to my way of thinking, we have to make it worth it for ourselves based on the realities and facts, not anything we feel it should be. That is what it comes down to for me, be for yourself.